Expectations

Those who expect, generate their own disappointment.

It's in the very nature of people to come to expect things. We expect that those around us will behave in a way that matches our previous experiences with them, or that matches the roles that they fill. Until those expectations are changed, we will generally treat them the ways that our expectations dictate.

But that's us. It isn't when others change that our expectations adapt. It's when our expectations change that we treat others differently. Expectations are the products of our perceptions; they're judgements that we make now to decide how people should act in the future; they're us deciding how other people should or will dictate their own futures.

When we expect, we blind ourselves to basic truths of life. We forget that people are dynamic beings who are undergoing constant changes, for better or for worse. We forget how stressful change is for others, wanted or not.

Expectations in Relationships

Every single level of a relationship comes with a whole list of expectations. When a couple begins dating, or when they marry, there are dozens of do's and don't's that common society has dictated to be the norm. Even friendships have rigid fences placed around them of what can be done or not, which can change dramatically from friend to friend based on age, gender, race, and so on.

The problem is that these are being used as all-purpose standards. While there is nothing wrong with notions such as waiting until marriage to completely open yourself up to someone physically, there is something wrong with hiding parts of who you really are, and expecting others to do the same, because societal relationship norms say that certain aspects are not to come to light yet.

Mind, at the same time, a bit of norm coherence can make initial contact between two people easier. But these should really only used initially, for friendships that are necessary, or for friendships one wouldn't want to really invest in.

Unspoken Expectations

One of the worst things that people do in their relationships is generate expectations that they don't even communicate until after the other party fails to meet them. For example, a woman in a dating relationship may, on Valentine's Day, become upset when her boyfriend does not treat her with flowers, chocolates, jewelry, or dining. She may become more upset if the man does not so much as contact her on that day. But if she never told him that she'd want those kinds of things on that day, or anything at all, whose fault is it that she feels hurt or betrayed? The only power deciding what the man should have done is popular notion.

It is cruel to both ourselves and to others when we place unspoken expectations on them. To ourselves, we increase the odds that others will fail us; to others, it is like placing them in a mine field without their knowledge. Failing to meet an expectation will result in a punishment. What's worse, they will no longer feel safe around us. Likely, they will begin to tell lies and change their behaviors in order to avoid another punishment. They will be less forthcoming with their concerns, and, unless remedied, may begin to pull away.

Hope

While it may not seem so, it is very different to put your hopes in someone than to place your expectations on them. Hope is about respecting a person's individuality without demanding that it change.

When you hope or expect something from someone, you put your trust in them that they will do or become what you feel is best, as a result, consciously or not, you will treat them better, and they will sense that you truly do care about them. The difference comes when they fail you; a failed expectation is met with mistrust and resentment, whereas real hope perseveres. Real hope is not crushed by resistance or failure, it continues to see the potential in others, it learns to work around failures rather than dwell on them.

Real hope cannot be disappointed.