Investment

Although a bit dark, the idea that a relationship is a business venture does carry significant validity. We seek the company and companionship of others, ultimately, to fulfill a deep-set internal need. The human condition craves closeness, trust, and the safety of another human being. Yet, typically, we must offer the same kind of services to someone in order to get them back.

While this view of relationships may lack emotion, it is still an unavoidable aspect of them. We must invest in all relationships of all levels if we expect anything to come out of them. Sometimes we must even resort to haggling in order to prove our worth.

Equity

Before one can talk about the 'worth' of one's relationship investment, one must understand the sociological concept of equity. There is no universal 'friendship currency' between two people; as a result, both parties in a relationship must contribute whatever goods or services they can in order to establish Equity.

Equity is best imagined as a set of scales; the contributions of our friends or loved ones, are weighed against our own. However, there is the important matter of perceived worth. Each person in a relationship has a different perception of these scales; they may see that they sorely outweigh the other party, while the other party may feel similarly shortchanged.

It seems primitive, but when we come to expect or demand a larger contribution from our loved ones, we will begin to haggle and advertise. We will seek to increase the other party's perceived worth of our contribution, or reduce the perceived worth of theirs. We want to tip the scales in our favor, or at least right them, so that our own investment is worth our time.

Finding a balance, and learning what goods and services hold the most value for our loved ones can be a difficult process; yet without gaining that understanding, it becomes very difficult to build a sturdy, long-lasting relationship.

Saving

Every now and then, you'll hear about how a couple who has been married for decades suddenly divorce. You'll hear about how they eventually became 'bored' with the relationship, or something similar. To explain this sort of behavior it's easiest to consider two types of people: those who save and invest their money, and those who live from paycheck to paycheck.

While both approaches keep a person alive, the differences are still immense. Those who save and invest enjoy more financial freedom. They are able to enjoy a higher standard of living, and have the means by which to make it through life's 'rainy days.' Those who live from paycheck to paycheck do not enjoy much financial freedom. They stagnate in their standard of living, and are extremely vulnerable to a crisis.

A couple who has built a solid relationship through investment can withstand the trials and troubles that life will force upon them. They have the emotional reserves necessary to remain together.

The Exceptions

There are a few very unhealthy exceptions to these investments, and yet they can still be explained monetarily. Of note is the concept of debt.

Infidelity, for example, is often the financial equivalent of squandering your half of an investment. Where gold is what gives any value to the dollar, fidelity is what gives any weight to one's contribution. Once found out, the scales will dramatically tip, often leading to separation. True forgiveness may be given, absolving the other person of what they 'owe.'

However there are people who will, knowingly or not, turn their unfaithful into a debtor. The relationship continues because they 'want their money back.' While it's possible for this debt to be repaid and things to move on in a restored, healthy manner, it is highly unlikely. The common result are two unhappy people who are only together because repayment has become an inescapable must.

End of Conversation

The list of sociological 'Rules' for interacting with other people could very well outstrip the number of words in the English language.

As someone who has arrived far past fashionably late to successful human interaction, I've been able to see accepted social norms from an outside perspective. I've found that behaving in a socially enjoyable way is not just a checklist, or habit, or a skill set, but a finely-tuned, well-trained frame of mind bordering on psychic interpretation.

For this subject specifically, there seems to be the most mysterious ability possessed by those who are at least moderately socially apt, and that is the ability to know when a conversation has reached a comfortable end.

The Feeling 

From my own experience, and from talking with others, knowing when a conversation is over manifests in the form of an unspoken physical feeling. Even more impressive, is that both conversational partners, if sensitive to it, feel it at exactly the same time.

The impression is as unique and indescribable as any other feeling, and it doesn't feel similar to any other feeling I've ever experienced. It seems to happen with very little warning, and as far as I can tell, all it does is let you know that the conversation is over.

It's strange to me that this feeling is so commonly accepted, that both parties never directly acknowledge it; rather, if one party wishes to continue conversing, it manifests in the form of suggesting a change of scenery, almost like putting another quarter in the social arcade machine.

The Have-Nots

From my experience, this feeling is so universally accepted that it comes as a surprise to others when someone has no idea that it exists. In truth, these people are actually a sizable statistic, and will readily suffer social stigma as a result. These people don't get tired of conversation, and when given the chance, will spend the better part of a day with someone.

The worst part is that this behavior will drive others away from them, and they'll likely not be told what they did to cause the resulting rift. With such limited exposure to others, it becomes fantastically difficult to gain these sorts of cues.

Exemptions

Where would a social rule be without exceptions? From my experience, this rule doesn't apply when it comes to children, couples, siblings, and most forms of chatting online.This can, in part, explain why someone could have great relationships in all of the above scenarios, and yet have no friends. Terrible, huh?

Mindfulness

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You're not here right now. More accurately, the location of your body and your mind are highly unlikely to be occupying the same space at the moment.

Your mind may be somewhere in the future, attempting to assess and prepare for what's approaching; it may also be in the past, reflecting on our choices and our interactions. But it is very unlikely that our minds are anywhere in the present.

The Present

It's surprisingly difficult to be in the present, especially when the present is boring. But that's where everything is actually happening. Are you even aware of the feel of your clothing on your body? The way you're sitting? How many different colors do you see? How many different sounds are you hearing? Are you in the present at all?

Time brings experience, experience brings regret, regret brings fear, and both fear and regret are painful emotions. It's base instinct to avoid pain; so it makes sense that one would look to the past to mold the future, all to avoid pain. We may look forward or backward for many other reasons: we may reflect fondly on yesterday, and excitedly on tomorrow, but ultimately we lose our present. Losing ourselves needlessly in the coming and going is a powerful blinding force, for when we do so, it's as if our whole bodies dull, and our senses blur.

Look around. Listen. Stop thinking about things that aren't there with you, all of them. What do you feel?

Preconception

So by the time you get to the end of this sentence, will you know the total number of words in it? Or do you have to go back and count? Did you count the number of letters? If you were to close your eyes and point in a completely random direction, then open your eyes, could you explain to yourself what you were pointing at without using any words?

People are fantastic at giving things names. We also love to create and use symbols in order to communicate ideas. Eventually, as if by a miracle, we stop looking at things or symbols, and see them as an amalgamation of concepts. Why do we do this? Because it's so much easier on the brain to slap a single label on what our eyes take in, than to have to send every moment through a gauntlet of thorough observation. The number of letters you read, the specific shapes of them, the number of words, the order of the letters in the words: all of these are lost to the reader in lieu of the concepts each word represents.

So what happens when you stop looking at something the way your brain has decided to look at it, and thoroughly try to see it for what it is, instead of what you've decided it should be?

Practicality

The ability to see the world afresh can do wonders for one's perception. When we see everyday objects and refuse to think that's all they can be, invention and innovation can follow. When we see people who are unlike us, and we observe their behavior for what it is, instead of comparing it to our own approaches, deeper understanding can be yielded for a spectrum of benefits.

Of course, there's no good reason to outright abolish preconceived thought. Not everything needs thorough observation all the time. You don't need to know everything about the cars around you to react accordingly to their presences.

But there's a reason why they say you should stop and smell the roses.

Hating the Unobtainable

People want things; it's human nature. We're often told if there's something we really want, that we should work hard towards getting it, and that will miraculously grant our wish.

The truth of the matter, of course, is that not all things a person wants are able to be worked for, or paid for, or gained through any reasonable means. There are a variety of ways to cope with this kind of disappointment and denial. Some people change their goals, some seek the next best thing, and others abandon their hopes completely. Yet no matter the means taken to cope, there is often room for enmity. We often come to hate what we cannot have.

Powerlessness

The feeling of powerlessness is an interesting emotion. It doesn't do much by itself, but is often the catalyst for very volatile emotions to follow.

The negative reaction is only natural, as feeling powerless can generate immense discomfort. So we are often inclined to lash out at what caused these negative feelings, even if it is something we desperately wanted. What's worse, is that the more dearly we desire it, and the more powerless we are to change it, the more thoroughly we find ourselves loathing whatever it was we wanted.

Bitterness

The brain is built to try and link any given thought or memory with anything remotely related to it. When there are very strong emotions attached, the brain will often broaden its scope and create stronger connections. It seems cruel, then, that the strong emotions caused by an instance of powerlessness can poison nearly everything surrounding it.

Anything that reminds us our disappointment can become loathed in turn, from objects to people. If we have been denied love, we may come to loathe those who are happily together; if we have been denied success, we may find ourselves cursing those who are living their dreams.

Overcoming and eliminating all of this spite can be a difficult and unrewarding road, because no matter what you do, you're still ultimately denied what you want. It comes down to trying to isolate the bitter disappointments to one instance, and to sever the ties that they've created; It comes down to deciding that you don't want to feel these painful feelings anymore.

Or, who knows, it might come down to fortune choosing to favor you, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.

Friendly Disagreements

Opposites attract; except they don't. Sociology's look into friendships and relationships has found that the vast majority of people bond with those who are similar to themselves. This preference can extend from the superficial, such as appearance and wealth, to core similarities in values and perspective. We like people who are like us, or who we see as better than us, because they portray what we value.

But conflict inevitably arises. There is nobody out there who thinks exactly like you do, and such differences can be detrimental if carelessly dismissed. The ability to handle a disagreement in a calm, understanding manner can not only prevent damage to relationships, but perhaps allow you to find friends in places you never expected. This entry is about differing views, though; the art of telling someone they are misinformed on matters of solid fact, or coping with stubbornness, are not addressed here.

Reacting

People are self-conscious. If they have a mindset you disagree with, an improper first reaction can do a world of damage. It can be as simple as repeating their statement in the form of a question(e.g. "You think [philosophical social platform] is a good idea?"). Your initial reaction can tell another person all they need to know about your feelings on their opinion, and that can lead to a spectrum of reactions on their part. They might become hostile, defensive, or abandon their opinion entirely.

The ability to face conflicting views with interest instead of incredulity is paramount if you want to get anywhere.

Questions & Statements

If you want to get any level of understanding on someone else's point of view, the most important thing to keep in mind is that they are the spokesperson of their mindset, not you. As such, it's usually better to ask questions than make statements. If you object with an aspect of their views, ask them why it's important, instead of dismissing it as uncouth or uninformed.

Though, if you want to voice your disagreement, remember to speak for yourself. "I don't feel that this solution treats everyone fairly" is preferable to "That's stupid." Personal words and terms like "I feel," "I think," and so on, are you letting them know your side of things; typically, the only time you should be saying "You think," is when you're asking if you understand them correctly.

Emotional Heat

In a best case scenario, both parties may have gained understanding and empathy for the other's view. They may agree to disagree, or perhaps one side may even find validity in the other(That includes you).

Regrettably, the desire to be right is a powerful one. You invested in your perspective, and so did they, and adapting that can be a painful process. It's easy for hostility to ignite, and it's difficult to put out.

Preventing a conversation from becoming an argument, and stopping an argument, are conversational arts I am no expert in. Though, myself, if I notice things heating up, or offensive words start being included, I try my best to immediately extract myself. I've found that "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," and excusing myself from the subject can keep both me and the other party from doing some serious damage.

I just feel like there are hardly any differences of opinion that are worth losing a friend over.

Talking To VS Talking At

I loathe smalltalk. It's rarely a means of learning about other people, and more of a defense mechanism against awkward silences, for fear of the other party judging us should they have a moment to think. This is why I'm terrible at parties, because to me they seem to be nothing more than a poorly-orchestrated series of short, empty interactions.

My complaints aside, I often find myself attracted to meaningful, purposeful communication. A conversation that can have a positive effect on my point of view, or keep me thinking for hours afterwards, can be hugely rewarding; conversely, an hour of relaying facts and superficial opinions can be downright draining.

Talking At

In a "Talking at" situation, the idea is that you could readily replace the other person with somebody else who is as equally informed as them, and the conversation would more or less be able to continue normally. At their worst, conversations like this can be torture, at best, they're the equivalent of social junk food; while there is nothing done that really strengthens the relationship, it can still be a rather pleasant distraction.

What's terrible, though, is when people actually form romantic relationships based on having had mostly "Talking at" communication, thinking that their common interests signify a deeper connection.

Talking To

Language is a very limited thing. We are only ever able to talk about things. We talk about our situations, our views, and the information we know. As a result, it makes concepts very difficult to define. People have written books about empathy, but the feeling, and the experience, are beyond the grasp of language. The same goes for people; no amount of information about them can substitute the experience.

When you talk to someone, you are actually seeing parts of who they are. The experience can be very revealing, even though what's revealed may not have been discussed at all. An example is that someone may confess something to you, but the circumstances around it, such as them doing it out of anger or fear, help you understand how they think. The sad thing is, this sort of perception seems to happen more notably in arguments than elsewhere.

Healthy communication like this brings a relationship depth, compassion, and understanding; yet I've noticed that it rarely occurs naturally. To really talk to someone, you ultimately have to truly want to understand just who they are, no matter the cost.

Moderation

Of course I'm not saying ALL conversations should be incredibly in-depth views into another person's very essence; I'm not even saying MOST should. Once you have a good impression of someone, there's nothing wrong with being able to just enjoy their company. But in having that understanding of the person you talk to, even the simplest of conversations can still be personal.

The Beauty Bias

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This is a concept of some very extensive study, so I will explain the overarching qualities and speculations of the term.

The term is self-explanatory; we are biased towards things and people that are beautiful, at least as far as we perceive it. This ranges anywhere from things that are seen as cute and adorable, to physical attraction. Anything with a favorable appearance is subject to this concept.

Scope

The beauty bias isn't just a preference to be in the company of beautiful people. In a controlled test, with no objective difference between two people other than appearance, the more attractive individual is readily seen as smarter, kinder, and more talented; any perceived positive attributes are placed on them, despite having little or no proof. This may also extend to accents of beauty, such as hygiene, dress, speech, and so on.

While viewing some people in a positive light isn't necessarily a bad thing, the beauty bias also leads people to ascribe negative attributes to unattractive people. Rather than being not-as-smart as those with looks, unattractive people may be seen as outright dumb.

This mindset reinforces itself, because we will then look for information that confirms our beliefs, and attempt to disregard information that dispels it(i.e. confirmation bias).

Retrospective Beauty

While the mind places positive attributes on those it sees as beautiful, it also places beauty on those who have positive attributes. Talent, confidence, and charisma can have a strong say in how attractive people find you.

While this is a wonderful thing for those who get to know each other face-to-face, this has created a complication for the growing internet culture. People can form close relationships with those they've never seen before, and when the reveal comes, it can be terribly disappointing. The bias not only creates a high standard of expected beauty for the other person, but can see the other person's lack of beauty as a betrayal. By seeing that the person they've grown close to is unattractive, they may feel like they've been deceived. With the mentality that unattractive people have little or no good qualities, this reveal can actually obliterate trust.

Cause

Despite numerous theories, the exact cause of this bias has yet to be discovered. Blame biology; blame popular notion; blame the media; the bias is still there, and it manifests before we can even talk. The important matter is that regardless of what may have initiated this bias, it's ultimately our choice whether we perpetuate it or not.