Investment

Although a bit dark, the idea that a relationship is a business venture does carry significant validity. We seek the company and companionship of others, ultimately, to fulfill a deep-set internal need. The human condition craves closeness, trust, and the safety of another human being. Yet, typically, we must offer the same kind of services to someone in order to get them back.

While this view of relationships may lack emotion, it is still an unavoidable aspect of them. We must invest in all relationships of all levels if we expect anything to come out of them. Sometimes we must even resort to haggling in order to prove our worth.

Equity

Before one can talk about the 'worth' of one's relationship investment, one must understand the sociological concept of equity. There is no universal 'friendship currency' between two people; as a result, both parties in a relationship must contribute whatever goods or services they can in order to establish Equity.

Equity is best imagined as a set of scales; the contributions of our friends or loved ones, are weighed against our own. However, there is the important matter of perceived worth. Each person in a relationship has a different perception of these scales; they may see that they sorely outweigh the other party, while the other party may feel similarly shortchanged.

It seems primitive, but when we come to expect or demand a larger contribution from our loved ones, we will begin to haggle and advertise. We will seek to increase the other party's perceived worth of our contribution, or reduce the perceived worth of theirs. We want to tip the scales in our favor, or at least right them, so that our own investment is worth our time.

Finding a balance, and learning what goods and services hold the most value for our loved ones can be a difficult process; yet without gaining that understanding, it becomes very difficult to build a sturdy, long-lasting relationship.

Saving

Every now and then, you'll hear about how a couple who has been married for decades suddenly divorce. You'll hear about how they eventually became 'bored' with the relationship, or something similar. To explain this sort of behavior it's easiest to consider two types of people: those who save and invest their money, and those who live from paycheck to paycheck.

While both approaches keep a person alive, the differences are still immense. Those who save and invest enjoy more financial freedom. They are able to enjoy a higher standard of living, and have the means by which to make it through life's 'rainy days.' Those who live from paycheck to paycheck do not enjoy much financial freedom. They stagnate in their standard of living, and are extremely vulnerable to a crisis.

A couple who has built a solid relationship through investment can withstand the trials and troubles that life will force upon them. They have the emotional reserves necessary to remain together.

The Exceptions

There are a few very unhealthy exceptions to these investments, and yet they can still be explained monetarily. Of note is the concept of debt.

Infidelity, for example, is often the financial equivalent of squandering your half of an investment. Where gold is what gives any value to the dollar, fidelity is what gives any weight to one's contribution. Once found out, the scales will dramatically tip, often leading to separation. True forgiveness may be given, absolving the other person of what they 'owe.'

However there are people who will, knowingly or not, turn their unfaithful into a debtor. The relationship continues because they 'want their money back.' While it's possible for this debt to be repaid and things to move on in a restored, healthy manner, it is highly unlikely. The common result are two unhappy people who are only together because repayment has become an inescapable must.

End of Conversation

The list of sociological 'Rules' for interacting with other people could very well outstrip the number of words in the English language.

As someone who has arrived far past fashionably late to successful human interaction, I've been able to see accepted social norms from an outside perspective. I've found that behaving in a socially enjoyable way is not just a checklist, or habit, or a skill set, but a finely-tuned, well-trained frame of mind bordering on psychic interpretation.

For this subject specifically, there seems to be the most mysterious ability possessed by those who are at least moderately socially apt, and that is the ability to know when a conversation has reached a comfortable end.

The Feeling 

From my own experience, and from talking with others, knowing when a conversation is over manifests in the form of an unspoken physical feeling. Even more impressive, is that both conversational partners, if sensitive to it, feel it at exactly the same time.

The impression is as unique and indescribable as any other feeling, and it doesn't feel similar to any other feeling I've ever experienced. It seems to happen with very little warning, and as far as I can tell, all it does is let you know that the conversation is over.

It's strange to me that this feeling is so commonly accepted, that both parties never directly acknowledge it; rather, if one party wishes to continue conversing, it manifests in the form of suggesting a change of scenery, almost like putting another quarter in the social arcade machine.

The Have-Nots

From my experience, this feeling is so universally accepted that it comes as a surprise to others when someone has no idea that it exists. In truth, these people are actually a sizable statistic, and will readily suffer social stigma as a result. These people don't get tired of conversation, and when given the chance, will spend the better part of a day with someone.

The worst part is that this behavior will drive others away from them, and they'll likely not be told what they did to cause the resulting rift. With such limited exposure to others, it becomes fantastically difficult to gain these sorts of cues.

Exemptions

Where would a social rule be without exceptions? From my experience, this rule doesn't apply when it comes to children, couples, siblings, and most forms of chatting online.This can, in part, explain why someone could have great relationships in all of the above scenarios, and yet have no friends. Terrible, huh?

Mindfulness

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You're not here right now. More accurately, the location of your body and your mind are highly unlikely to be occupying the same space at the moment.

Your mind may be somewhere in the future, attempting to assess and prepare for what's approaching; it may also be in the past, reflecting on our choices and our interactions. But it is very unlikely that our minds are anywhere in the present.

The Present

It's surprisingly difficult to be in the present, especially when the present is boring. But that's where everything is actually happening. Are you even aware of the feel of your clothing on your body? The way you're sitting? How many different colors do you see? How many different sounds are you hearing? Are you in the present at all?

Time brings experience, experience brings regret, regret brings fear, and both fear and regret are painful emotions. It's base instinct to avoid pain; so it makes sense that one would look to the past to mold the future, all to avoid pain. We may look forward or backward for many other reasons: we may reflect fondly on yesterday, and excitedly on tomorrow, but ultimately we lose our present. Losing ourselves needlessly in the coming and going is a powerful blinding force, for when we do so, it's as if our whole bodies dull, and our senses blur.

Look around. Listen. Stop thinking about things that aren't there with you, all of them. What do you feel?

Preconception

So by the time you get to the end of this sentence, will you know the total number of words in it? Or do you have to go back and count? Did you count the number of letters? If you were to close your eyes and point in a completely random direction, then open your eyes, could you explain to yourself what you were pointing at without using any words?

People are fantastic at giving things names. We also love to create and use symbols in order to communicate ideas. Eventually, as if by a miracle, we stop looking at things or symbols, and see them as an amalgamation of concepts. Why do we do this? Because it's so much easier on the brain to slap a single label on what our eyes take in, than to have to send every moment through a gauntlet of thorough observation. The number of letters you read, the specific shapes of them, the number of words, the order of the letters in the words: all of these are lost to the reader in lieu of the concepts each word represents.

So what happens when you stop looking at something the way your brain has decided to look at it, and thoroughly try to see it for what it is, instead of what you've decided it should be?

Practicality

The ability to see the world afresh can do wonders for one's perception. When we see everyday objects and refuse to think that's all they can be, invention and innovation can follow. When we see people who are unlike us, and we observe their behavior for what it is, instead of comparing it to our own approaches, deeper understanding can be yielded for a spectrum of benefits.

Of course, there's no good reason to outright abolish preconceived thought. Not everything needs thorough observation all the time. You don't need to know everything about the cars around you to react accordingly to their presences.

But there's a reason why they say you should stop and smell the roses.

Hating the Unobtainable

People want things; it's human nature. We're often told if there's something we really want, that we should work hard towards getting it, and that will miraculously grant our wish.

The truth of the matter, of course, is that not all things a person wants are able to be worked for, or paid for, or gained through any reasonable means. There are a variety of ways to cope with this kind of disappointment and denial. Some people change their goals, some seek the next best thing, and others abandon their hopes completely. Yet no matter the means taken to cope, there is often room for enmity. We often come to hate what we cannot have.

Powerlessness

The feeling of powerlessness is an interesting emotion. It doesn't do much by itself, but is often the catalyst for very volatile emotions to follow.

The negative reaction is only natural, as feeling powerless can generate immense discomfort. So we are often inclined to lash out at what caused these negative feelings, even if it is something we desperately wanted. What's worse, is that the more dearly we desire it, and the more powerless we are to change it, the more thoroughly we find ourselves loathing whatever it was we wanted.

Bitterness

The brain is built to try and link any given thought or memory with anything remotely related to it. When there are very strong emotions attached, the brain will often broaden its scope and create stronger connections. It seems cruel, then, that the strong emotions caused by an instance of powerlessness can poison nearly everything surrounding it.

Anything that reminds us our disappointment can become loathed in turn, from objects to people. If we have been denied love, we may come to loathe those who are happily together; if we have been denied success, we may find ourselves cursing those who are living their dreams.

Overcoming and eliminating all of this spite can be a difficult and unrewarding road, because no matter what you do, you're still ultimately denied what you want. It comes down to trying to isolate the bitter disappointments to one instance, and to sever the ties that they've created; It comes down to deciding that you don't want to feel these painful feelings anymore.

Or, who knows, it might come down to fortune choosing to favor you, but I wouldn't get my hopes up.

Friendly Disagreements

Opposites attract; except they don't. Sociology's look into friendships and relationships has found that the vast majority of people bond with those who are similar to themselves. This preference can extend from the superficial, such as appearance and wealth, to core similarities in values and perspective. We like people who are like us, or who we see as better than us, because they portray what we value.

But conflict inevitably arises. There is nobody out there who thinks exactly like you do, and such differences can be detrimental if carelessly dismissed. The ability to handle a disagreement in a calm, understanding manner can not only prevent damage to relationships, but perhaps allow you to find friends in places you never expected. This entry is about differing views, though; the art of telling someone they are misinformed on matters of solid fact, or coping with stubbornness, are not addressed here.

Reacting

People are self-conscious. If they have a mindset you disagree with, an improper first reaction can do a world of damage. It can be as simple as repeating their statement in the form of a question(e.g. "You think [philosophical social platform] is a good idea?"). Your initial reaction can tell another person all they need to know about your feelings on their opinion, and that can lead to a spectrum of reactions on their part. They might become hostile, defensive, or abandon their opinion entirely.

The ability to face conflicting views with interest instead of incredulity is paramount if you want to get anywhere.

Questions & Statements

If you want to get any level of understanding on someone else's point of view, the most important thing to keep in mind is that they are the spokesperson of their mindset, not you. As such, it's usually better to ask questions than make statements. If you object with an aspect of their views, ask them why it's important, instead of dismissing it as uncouth or uninformed.

Though, if you want to voice your disagreement, remember to speak for yourself. "I don't feel that this solution treats everyone fairly" is preferable to "That's stupid." Personal words and terms like "I feel," "I think," and so on, are you letting them know your side of things; typically, the only time you should be saying "You think," is when you're asking if you understand them correctly.

Emotional Heat

In a best case scenario, both parties may have gained understanding and empathy for the other's view. They may agree to disagree, or perhaps one side may even find validity in the other(That includes you).

Regrettably, the desire to be right is a powerful one. You invested in your perspective, and so did they, and adapting that can be a painful process. It's easy for hostility to ignite, and it's difficult to put out.

Preventing a conversation from becoming an argument, and stopping an argument, are conversational arts I am no expert in. Though, myself, if I notice things heating up, or offensive words start being included, I try my best to immediately extract myself. I've found that "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," and excusing myself from the subject can keep both me and the other party from doing some serious damage.

I just feel like there are hardly any differences of opinion that are worth losing a friend over.

Talking To VS Talking At

I loathe smalltalk. It's rarely a means of learning about other people, and more of a defense mechanism against awkward silences, for fear of the other party judging us should they have a moment to think. This is why I'm terrible at parties, because to me they seem to be nothing more than a poorly-orchestrated series of short, empty interactions.

My complaints aside, I often find myself attracted to meaningful, purposeful communication. A conversation that can have a positive effect on my point of view, or keep me thinking for hours afterwards, can be hugely rewarding; conversely, an hour of relaying facts and superficial opinions can be downright draining.

Talking At

In a "Talking at" situation, the idea is that you could readily replace the other person with somebody else who is as equally informed as them, and the conversation would more or less be able to continue normally. At their worst, conversations like this can be torture, at best, they're the equivalent of social junk food; while there is nothing done that really strengthens the relationship, it can still be a rather pleasant distraction.

What's terrible, though, is when people actually form romantic relationships based on having had mostly "Talking at" communication, thinking that their common interests signify a deeper connection.

Talking To

Language is a very limited thing. We are only ever able to talk about things. We talk about our situations, our views, and the information we know. As a result, it makes concepts very difficult to define. People have written books about empathy, but the feeling, and the experience, are beyond the grasp of language. The same goes for people; no amount of information about them can substitute the experience.

When you talk to someone, you are actually seeing parts of who they are. The experience can be very revealing, even though what's revealed may not have been discussed at all. An example is that someone may confess something to you, but the circumstances around it, such as them doing it out of anger or fear, help you understand how they think. The sad thing is, this sort of perception seems to happen more notably in arguments than elsewhere.

Healthy communication like this brings a relationship depth, compassion, and understanding; yet I've noticed that it rarely occurs naturally. To really talk to someone, you ultimately have to truly want to understand just who they are, no matter the cost.

Moderation

Of course I'm not saying ALL conversations should be incredibly in-depth views into another person's very essence; I'm not even saying MOST should. Once you have a good impression of someone, there's nothing wrong with being able to just enjoy their company. But in having that understanding of the person you talk to, even the simplest of conversations can still be personal.

The Beauty Bias

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This is a concept of some very extensive study, so I will explain the overarching qualities and speculations of the term.

The term is self-explanatory; we are biased towards things and people that are beautiful, at least as far as we perceive it. This ranges anywhere from things that are seen as cute and adorable, to physical attraction. Anything with a favorable appearance is subject to this concept.

Scope

The beauty bias isn't just a preference to be in the company of beautiful people. In a controlled test, with no objective difference between two people other than appearance, the more attractive individual is readily seen as smarter, kinder, and more talented; any perceived positive attributes are placed on them, despite having little or no proof. This may also extend to accents of beauty, such as hygiene, dress, speech, and so on.

While viewing some people in a positive light isn't necessarily a bad thing, the beauty bias also leads people to ascribe negative attributes to unattractive people. Rather than being not-as-smart as those with looks, unattractive people may be seen as outright dumb.

This mindset reinforces itself, because we will then look for information that confirms our beliefs, and attempt to disregard information that dispels it(i.e. confirmation bias).

Retrospective Beauty

While the mind places positive attributes on those it sees as beautiful, it also places beauty on those who have positive attributes. Talent, confidence, and charisma can have a strong say in how attractive people find you.

While this is a wonderful thing for those who get to know each other face-to-face, this has created a complication for the growing internet culture. People can form close relationships with those they've never seen before, and when the reveal comes, it can be terribly disappointing. The bias not only creates a high standard of expected beauty for the other person, but can see the other person's lack of beauty as a betrayal. By seeing that the person they've grown close to is unattractive, they may feel like they've been deceived. With the mentality that unattractive people have little or no good qualities, this reveal can actually obliterate trust.

Cause

Despite numerous theories, the exact cause of this bias has yet to be discovered. Blame biology; blame popular notion; blame the media; the bias is still there, and it manifests before we can even talk. The important matter is that regardless of what may have initiated this bias, it's ultimately our choice whether we perpetuate it or not.

Heuristics

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The human brain is impeccable. All you have to do is open your eyes, and about 60 percent of it launches into action. Parts of your brain will actively search out movement, look for faces, and try to determine whether any stimulus is innocuous or foreign, without your consent. Automatic processes like this are essential for not only survival, but everyday living as well.

One remarkable automatic process is the brain's ability to take any new stimulus and instantaneously try to identify it. Using previous exposure to anything remotely similar, the brain will make its best guess at what the new stimulus is, and then immediately file it away, seemingly repeatedly, with everything that it shares attributes with. That way, the observer can attempt to react in an appropriate manner. These mental categories for filing are called heuristics.

For example, if you were to run into a bear in the woods, you would take in all information until you identified it as a bear. Mind, you've never met this bear before, but it will be categorized with all previous bear heuristics, and you will attempt to appropriately react, though I really don't know what the appropriate action is, play dead or run downhill or something.

While heuristics are incredibly useful, the problem is that they are also incredibly insensitive. Well...kind of.

First Impression

The instant you meet a new person for the first time, your brain will do what it does with everything new. That person will be assessed on every scrap of information they give you, and then compared. Age, race, gender, build, hair, dress, posture, speech, and so on will be used so that your brain can file this new person away as quickly as possible. An old person will be filed away with old people. This is good and bad in how it guides your response. While you won't treat the old person in the same way you'd treat a child, they will still be held to the sum of facts you know about the elderly in most everything they do.

Stereotype

The few years I lived in Germany taught me a lot about stereotyping. As a foreigner, I underwent a fair amount of culture shock, because Germans, in some significant ways, did not think or behave in ways that I considered normal. When I finally managed to determine which of these differences were commonplace, I was able to fit in and get along more easily. I was able to create a German heuristic(type of person) and apply it to the whole scope(stereo) of Germans I encountered.

Any group showing noticeable similar traits is stereotyped, without our consent. We do it to everyone, from those who are unlike us, to those who we share much in common. Stereotypes are our best guesses at understanding and socializing with a group.

The Individual

The real problem is that your brain really hates re-filing something it has already assessed. It takes a lot to erase false stereotypes and heuristics; it takes even more effort to erase negative ones, because your brain sees those as important survival information.

Seeing an individual as a stand-alone being is therefore incredibly inefficient; seeing them for who they truly are requires heavy analyzing of information that is never readily available; keeping your brain from lumping them with those similar to them is nearly impossible.

It takes a lot of patience to overcome these biological tendencies, and those attempting to overcome them should be treated with patience as well.

Value

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

There was once a little robot who lived all by himself in a world abandoned by humans. Every day, he would go exploring through the endless seas of refuse they had left behind, sorting and compiling it. As he did so, he would discover all sorts of items he had never seen before. What he liked, he would collect, and what he didn't, would go with the rest of the trash.

He didn't collect gold, gems, or precious metals; he didn't collect cash or stock certificates; all of those went with the rest of the garbage. He collected the things he liked, the things that entertained him. To him, our treasures were garbage, and our garbage were his treasures.

Value is not a physical thing. An object's worth is not a matter of how scarce or old it is. The only thing that makes something valuable in the least, is people who place it thereupon.

Economy

My father has told me numerous times that if you want a good look at how people think, study economics. The welfare of the world's economies is ultimately based on the consensus of how people feel about their possessions, themselves, their living situation, and the currency through which they sustain them. An economy does well when people feel good about it, and poorly when people feel bad about it. I'll cover investment and reward later.

The soul of business itself is housed in feeling. Corporate negotiations are strongly influenced by simple things such as likeability and trust. The sole purpose of advertising is to instill a positive feeling in the viewer about a company or product. By making the masses feel like the good or service is worth their money, businesses thrive.

Personal Value

The problem with the consensus of the masses, though, is that it demands unity, for better or worse. That which a person values can be very revealing, and very unpopular. As such, people will hide or dispose of their values in lieu of gaining acceptance.

While, yes, some people place value on objectively dangerous and selfish things, we are prone to attack those with unpopular values. We see them for their investments, rather than trying to see why they invested. There's a reason why things are valuable to them that aren't valuable to you. More importantly, there's a person behind those values, who is not solely defined by them.

There's a reason why people sacrifice success for the welfare of their loved ones. There's a reason why people will swallow the hate of the world to do what they feel is right. There is a reason why people will risk their very lives for a cause.

For where your heart is, there will your treasure be also.

Safety

Today's society seems to function very well on an economy of secrets and lies. People don't like hard truths, and they are often terrified of being exposed. Simultaneously, we seek safety in others, people we can trust and connect with on deep levels; we seek people who can save us from being alone. Quite a conflict of interests, isn't it?

'Home'

Loving couples form because they feel a deep interpersonal connection. They feel like the other person understands them, cares about them, and accepts them. In short, they feel safe, and they embrace the comfort that comes with it. Those we feel safest around feel like 'home,' the place we can relax, breathe, and be ourselves. Yet this is such a fragile treasure.

It takes very little to feel unsafe. Being yelled at, struck, or any other perceived form of punishment from someone we care about can make us withdraw. We become unsure. We start to close up or tell lies for fear of damaging the relationship, or ourselves, further. This silence is easily felt, and can quickly lead to both parties avoiding contact or conflict out of pure fear. 'Home' crumbles, and the relationship dies, if nothing is done to try and reinstate safety.

As a side note, though, there is a difference between being safe enough to divulge sensitive things, and outright announcing them under wrong time/place circumstances. Same goes for sharing information needlessly.

Nothing to Lose

I hate planes, but I love a good conversational partner on a long flight. These are people I've never met before, and who I'll likely never see again, in a danger-free environment, and both of us are aware of these facts. As a result, both of us will readily and merrily speak with complete honesty about ourselves. I once sat next to a mother and her deaf daughter, and had a very enjoyable talk with both of them. I was able to ask questions of a sensitive nature without fear of offending, and they were happy to answer.

When there's no relationship between people, and they have absolutely nothing to lose, they will commonly feel very safe. This is very unlike friendships and couples, where the complete truth can damage or destroy them.

Yet if you can make friends and loved ones truly feel like there is nothing to lose in being honest with you, then you will be able to see who they really are, for better or worse. If you accept them, show them their safety matters to you, and be there for them, it's easy to find a completely different person than you thought they were. But the most important thing you'll find...is a real person.

Abuse

Smart people know how much they can get out of somebody by fabricating safety. They'll be accepting and 'understanding' so long as the information they get in return serves their purposes. The goal may be  embarrassing truths, trust over monetary situations, or what have you. These cutthroats can do scores of psychological damage to those they use, and can make it a challenge for some to ever fully trust another human being again. The only help I can offer, is to try and seek open safety from those who seek yours. If they refuse to return your trust, then the reason why will probably be important to know.

Unless they're a professional therapist/psychologist/etc., then that's kind of their job.

The Unknown

For being completely conceptual, the unknown is one of the most powerful forces that human beings encounter. It is the primary tool of the storyteller; it generates fear and stress; it starts wars and prevents them; it tests the brave and terrifies the meek.

We are prone to declare just how safe or dangerous something may be to us or others based on how well we understand it, and we will go to great lengths to either learn about it or to remain stubbornly ignorant.

Stopping Force

There is hardly a stronger demotivator than the unknown, as it is the brother to fear itself. Yet where fear can include a full understanding of the consequences for certain actions, the "What if's" of life are equally potent. It is not the guarantee of pain that binds us, so much as the chance. If we know what torment the future will bring us, we can plan accordingly, but the unknown robs us of the relief of a sure-fire solution.

Coincidentally, we will often prefer that certain facts remain unknown for fear of the effect they may have on us, or the regret they may yield. For many of us, we may be uncomfortable when it comes to so much as looking into future options. While we may have nothing to lose in exploring possibilities, we are ultimately opening ourselves up to the risk of making a poor choice. If this assessment is done after making a poor choice, it can cause significant frustration.

The Demon You Know

"Why don't you" is a very common start-up phrase used by the privileged when trying to offer solutions to the less fortunate. A person in an abusive relationship is prone to be asked why they don't just up and leave their partner. Potential backlash aside, many stay in awful relationships because it's ultimately familiar territory. Even if unhappy or scared, these emotions are preferable to what may happen if they do leave, and many abusive partners are more than willing to paint a bleak picture of what that choice will yield.

While not all circumstances are this this dire, once familiarity has been established, it is difficult to explore beyond it. It can be as extreme as fearing to trust new people, or as simple as not wanting to try a new restaurant when several other known good choices are nearby.

The Security Blanket

It is amazing how empowering it can be to have something familiar, anything familiar, in an unknown situation. A favorite food, beloved song, stuffed animal, picture of loved ones, presence of loved ones, coworker with similar interests, lucky underwear: any of these can do wonders to make a person feel safe when otherwise completely surrounded by the alien.

So it's really not such a crazy idea to think that you can do nearly anything as long as your friends are by your side.

Ranking

From the children's book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day:

"Alexander, you aren’t my best friend anymore. Phillip Baker is my best friend, and Albert Mayo is my next best friend. You are only my third best friend."

We are a culture that likes favorites. Favorite movie, favorite food, favorite games, favorite everything. It can be a fun mentality in getting to know people on a basic level, or to start conversations that end awkward silences.

Yet, simultaneously, it is commonplace to treat those around us the same way. We have people who we prefer over others, it's only natural; but spousal relationships aside, sometimes there can be a lot of hard feelings when people rank those close to them.

To Be Ranked

I have a best friend. I feel comfortable and happy with him, and we have a solid, honest friendship. At one time, I was asked by a girl who I liked more: him or her. When I honestly stated who my actual best friend was, she became hurt. Although she didn't openly recognize it at the time, it was clear that her measure of how important she was to others was based on a ranking system. By being liked less than someone else, she felt like an inferior friend.

This idea of needing to place higher than others in people's minds, as if relationships are some sort of competition, is a very base notion. It suggests that regardless of how valuable and beloved a person is, if one or more people should be valued higher, then that undermines their worth.

But is it nice to be on the top of someone's list? Well, yes. It lets you know that you mean something special to someone else. But you don't have to be their best friend in order to be wanted, appreciated, or important to them. People sensitive to being ranked can go so far as to try and make a person like their preferred friends less in order to eliminate 'the competitors.'

The negative feelings caused by being ranked is one reason why mothers answer "I love you all the same" when asked to pick a favorite.

To Rank

Perhaps there wouldn't be so much unhappiness about being ranked, if those who did the ranking didn't invest so thoroughly in their own judgements. There are people who feel that their friends should be treated in proportion to their standing. A person of superior ranking will receive superior treatment, but will be given poorer treatment if someone surpasses them. While this does unconsciously happen all the time, there are those who monitor this regime with a high level of scrutiny, and who consider any disproportionate treatments a betrayal of their affected friends.

What is there to lose in valuing your friends as dynamic individuals, rather than points on a scale? In truth, two similar friends can still be incomparably different, so why waste the energy of trying to pick a favorite if you like them both? I didn't choose my best friend, I realized he was my best friend, but he plays no role at all when it comes to interacting with my other friends, each unique and cared for.

Motivated for Another

I cannot recall the exact story, but it goes something like this:

A group of refugees fleeing the Nazis in World War II were crossing dangerous, hilly territories with the help of an experienced guide. Among the refugees was a single elderly man who would regularly complain and need frequent pauses in order to collect himself. Finally, in the middle of a difficult section of hiking, he collapsed and declared "I can't go any further, go on without me." In response, the guide obtained one of the infants from a mother in the caravan, gave it to the man, and said "Now take care of it."

Despite having been burdened with the weight of another human being, and having to see to the needs of two people, rather than just himself, both man and infant reached the journey's end alive and well.

I took a class on motivation. The lectures were philosophical morality tests, and the book had the flavor of a biology text; it talked about fundamental motivations such as hunger, thirst, reproduction, as well as biological dampeners of motivation. It did not really cover what I would call human motivation; it did not cover what drives us, rather what compels us.

I take a look at my successes and failures. I look at the times I did my best, compared to the times where I merely did enough to get by. Consistently, I found that the central difference was the presence of another person.

Having

Having someone depend on you, need you, rely on you, put their faith on you, or merely find happiness through your efforts is a powerful motivator. For children, having parents or teachers who rejoice in their development and hard work can do wonders to garner a strong interest in their educational career.

For adults in relationships, it is not uncommon to hear 'you bring out the best in me.' In actuality, though, nobody can bring out the best in anyone; rather, they bring their best self out for the other person. They do it because the best person they are, is also the best person for those they care for.

Lacking

It is difficult to give your best, when it seems to accomplish the same as 'enough.' When nobody needs you, wants you, or relies on you, it is easy to conclude that the most logical route is just to get by. The path of least resistance is preferable when you have to walk by yourself.

Lacking is a powerful motivational dampener. It can undermine aspirations, diminish performance, and even weaken base pleasures. It can be unpleasant to go to a restaurant for a nice meal, when you have nobody to enjoy it with, or pay for, or benefit with your company.

The Fundamental Attribution Error

Reference Post

Note: Reference posts are where existing psychological terms are explained in full(Or, at least, as I understand them).

The Fundamental Attribution Error(FAE) is a term for the social tendency for people to blame the actions of other people on their inherent qualities, while excusing our own actions as a result of our circumstances. That is to say, that this is a core mentality behind hypocrisy.

Outward

The outward qualities of FAE manifest when we witness or hear about somebody doing something, and we write that off as a testament of who they really are. If a person commits a crime, the easiest solution to come to is that it's because they are bad people, they have poor judgement skills, or any number of other poor traits. Conversely, when somebody does something seen as good, it is because they are caring, thoughtful, patient, or some other positive quality. These two viewpoints are the center of the psychological manipulation which occurs in politics.

For a firsthand demonstration of this in action, I would suggest sitting in the passenger seat of a car being driven by someone with a tendency to yell at other motorists.

Inward

It is unlikely for an individual to truly see themselves as unreasonable, irrational, or outright evil. Yet many such people exist, people who are unwilling to listen to reason, to compromise, to change, behave, contribute, and so on.

It is because we as individuals are prone to consider ourselves as exceptions. 'People who cheat on tests are just lazy, but I was taking care of my sick child.' 'People who steal are greedy and irresponsible, but I have a family to take care of.' We rarely see ourselves as villains, rather those that have to circumvent social norms, or even laws, in order to do what we deem necessary. It becomes difficult to see ourselves as petty, or selfish, or thoughtless, callous, indignant, or any other terrible attribute. It usually takes the intervention of others for us to have the opportunity to see our real shortcomings.

Discretion

The fact is, though, that not all outward judgements of others are false, and not all inward excusing is without credence. It takes a fair amount of discretion to know when to place a label or to understand extenuating circumstances, and it is, for the vast majority, a better mentality to fault towards trust and self-improvement, than to prejudge.

Expectations

Those who expect, generate their own disappointment.

It's in the very nature of people to come to expect things. We expect that those around us will behave in a way that matches our previous experiences with them, or that matches the roles that they fill. Until those expectations are changed, we will generally treat them the ways that our expectations dictate.

But that's us. It isn't when others change that our expectations adapt. It's when our expectations change that we treat others differently. Expectations are the products of our perceptions; they're judgements that we make now to decide how people should act in the future; they're us deciding how other people should or will dictate their own futures.

When we expect, we blind ourselves to basic truths of life. We forget that people are dynamic beings who are undergoing constant changes, for better or for worse. We forget how stressful change is for others, wanted or not.

Expectations in Relationships

Every single level of a relationship comes with a whole list of expectations. When a couple begins dating, or when they marry, there are dozens of do's and don't's that common society has dictated to be the norm. Even friendships have rigid fences placed around them of what can be done or not, which can change dramatically from friend to friend based on age, gender, race, and so on.

The problem is that these are being used as all-purpose standards. While there is nothing wrong with notions such as waiting until marriage to completely open yourself up to someone physically, there is something wrong with hiding parts of who you really are, and expecting others to do the same, because societal relationship norms say that certain aspects are not to come to light yet.

Mind, at the same time, a bit of norm coherence can make initial contact between two people easier. But these should really only used initially, for friendships that are necessary, or for friendships one wouldn't want to really invest in.

Unspoken Expectations

One of the worst things that people do in their relationships is generate expectations that they don't even communicate until after the other party fails to meet them. For example, a woman in a dating relationship may, on Valentine's Day, become upset when her boyfriend does not treat her with flowers, chocolates, jewelry, or dining. She may become more upset if the man does not so much as contact her on that day. But if she never told him that she'd want those kinds of things on that day, or anything at all, whose fault is it that she feels hurt or betrayed? The only power deciding what the man should have done is popular notion.

It is cruel to both ourselves and to others when we place unspoken expectations on them. To ourselves, we increase the odds that others will fail us; to others, it is like placing them in a mine field without their knowledge. Failing to meet an expectation will result in a punishment. What's worse, they will no longer feel safe around us. Likely, they will begin to tell lies and change their behaviors in order to avoid another punishment. They will be less forthcoming with their concerns, and, unless remedied, may begin to pull away.

Hope

While it may not seem so, it is very different to put your hopes in someone than to place your expectations on them. Hope is about respecting a person's individuality without demanding that it change.

When you hope or expect something from someone, you put your trust in them that they will do or become what you feel is best, as a result, consciously or not, you will treat them better, and they will sense that you truly do care about them. The difference comes when they fail you; a failed expectation is met with mistrust and resentment, whereas real hope perseveres. Real hope is not crushed by resistance or failure, it continues to see the potential in others, it learns to work around failures rather than dwell on them.

Real hope cannot be disappointed.

Special VS Unique

It's nice to be special.

If you're special, it means that you stand out in a wonderful way. Special people shine more than the average person. They're wanted more, they're more successful, and they're happier. Everyone wants to be exemplary, because it means they're not common.

And so if being special is a way of gaining the adoration of others, it would make sense that people who adore you would tell you that you're special. There has been an entire generation of children who grew up being told just how special they were.

Truth is, most kids aren't exemplary, and most kids don't turn into exemplary adults. Many will struggle in vain to be 'the best' at something, and many will hate themselves for not being better than the masses. Many children can face much of the disillusionment that comes with growing up, but when life brutally knocks a child off the pedestal of greatness that their parent placed them upon, the fall can be hard and unforgiving.

Being special, at its core, is about being better. Depending on circumstances, it can often be about being one of the best. How special you are can also vary, and you can become less special, should others outshine you. Being special is about competition, superiority, and, ultimately, pride.

Yet at the end of the day, most of us want to tell ourselves that we're special, or that we could be special if we only had the means, or if luck served us right.

The truth of the matter is, that we as people are not all special. What each of us are, however, is unique. No two people in the world are identical. Nobody else has lived your life, made your choices, nor has anyone seen the world as you have come to. Your history and personality have shaped the individual you are, and the path you've walked is your own and nobody else's.

Being unique does not make you better or worse than your peers, as you can't be more or less unique than others. In essence, you could say that each of us are like pieces of a grand puzzle. Although we all may be similar, we all have something meaningful that only we as individuals can contribute to a bigger picture. Mind, we all still have to work to fit in, connect, and know where we really belong, but each of us is just as important as any other piece.