Ranking

From the children's book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day:

"Alexander, you aren’t my best friend anymore. Phillip Baker is my best friend, and Albert Mayo is my next best friend. You are only my third best friend."

We are a culture that likes favorites. Favorite movie, favorite food, favorite games, favorite everything. It can be a fun mentality in getting to know people on a basic level, or to start conversations that end awkward silences.

Yet, simultaneously, it is commonplace to treat those around us the same way. We have people who we prefer over others, it's only natural; but spousal relationships aside, sometimes there can be a lot of hard feelings when people rank those close to them.

To Be Ranked

I have a best friend. I feel comfortable and happy with him, and we have a solid, honest friendship. At one time, I was asked by a girl who I liked more: him or her. When I honestly stated who my actual best friend was, she became hurt. Although she didn't openly recognize it at the time, it was clear that her measure of how important she was to others was based on a ranking system. By being liked less than someone else, she felt like an inferior friend.

This idea of needing to place higher than others in people's minds, as if relationships are some sort of competition, is a very base notion. It suggests that regardless of how valuable and beloved a person is, if one or more people should be valued higher, then that undermines their worth.

But is it nice to be on the top of someone's list? Well, yes. It lets you know that you mean something special to someone else. But you don't have to be their best friend in order to be wanted, appreciated, or important to them. People sensitive to being ranked can go so far as to try and make a person like their preferred friends less in order to eliminate 'the competitors.'

The negative feelings caused by being ranked is one reason why mothers answer "I love you all the same" when asked to pick a favorite.

To Rank

Perhaps there wouldn't be so much unhappiness about being ranked, if those who did the ranking didn't invest so thoroughly in their own judgements. There are people who feel that their friends should be treated in proportion to their standing. A person of superior ranking will receive superior treatment, but will be given poorer treatment if someone surpasses them. While this does unconsciously happen all the time, there are those who monitor this regime with a high level of scrutiny, and who consider any disproportionate treatments a betrayal of their affected friends.

What is there to lose in valuing your friends as dynamic individuals, rather than points on a scale? In truth, two similar friends can still be incomparably different, so why waste the energy of trying to pick a favorite if you like them both? I didn't choose my best friend, I realized he was my best friend, but he plays no role at all when it comes to interacting with my other friends, each unique and cared for.