Talking To VS Talking At

I loathe smalltalk. It's rarely a means of learning about other people, and more of a defense mechanism against awkward silences, for fear of the other party judging us should they have a moment to think. This is why I'm terrible at parties, because to me they seem to be nothing more than a poorly-orchestrated series of short, empty interactions.

My complaints aside, I often find myself attracted to meaningful, purposeful communication. A conversation that can have a positive effect on my point of view, or keep me thinking for hours afterwards, can be hugely rewarding; conversely, an hour of relaying facts and superficial opinions can be downright draining.

Talking At

In a "Talking at" situation, the idea is that you could readily replace the other person with somebody else who is as equally informed as them, and the conversation would more or less be able to continue normally. At their worst, conversations like this can be torture, at best, they're the equivalent of social junk food; while there is nothing done that really strengthens the relationship, it can still be a rather pleasant distraction.

What's terrible, though, is when people actually form romantic relationships based on having had mostly "Talking at" communication, thinking that their common interests signify a deeper connection.

Talking To

Language is a very limited thing. We are only ever able to talk about things. We talk about our situations, our views, and the information we know. As a result, it makes concepts very difficult to define. People have written books about empathy, but the feeling, and the experience, are beyond the grasp of language. The same goes for people; no amount of information about them can substitute the experience.

When you talk to someone, you are actually seeing parts of who they are. The experience can be very revealing, even though what's revealed may not have been discussed at all. An example is that someone may confess something to you, but the circumstances around it, such as them doing it out of anger or fear, help you understand how they think. The sad thing is, this sort of perception seems to happen more notably in arguments than elsewhere.

Healthy communication like this brings a relationship depth, compassion, and understanding; yet I've noticed that it rarely occurs naturally. To really talk to someone, you ultimately have to truly want to understand just who they are, no matter the cost.

Moderation

Of course I'm not saying ALL conversations should be incredibly in-depth views into another person's very essence; I'm not even saying MOST should. Once you have a good impression of someone, there's nothing wrong with being able to just enjoy their company. But in having that understanding of the person you talk to, even the simplest of conversations can still be personal.